Life is Curious.

Do you ever have one of those days where you wish you weren't a parent?

For me, entering parenthood was an unexpected surprise. It wasn't something I saw happening without intervention from a third party. As such, I always thought that if I did become a mum, it would be when I was ready for it; when I had a house of my own, a stable career, supportive partner, all those things conducive to having the stereotypical "happy family."
However, life works in mysterious ways and I entered parenthood 10 years earlier than my perfect life plan predicted, with none of the aforementioned things.

So here I am. Sulking. 5ish days until my 30th birthday, and I find myself constantly wondering what life would have been like if I weren't a mother. Would I have savings? A house? Thousands of memories revolving around my European travels, and then other places my dreams urge me to explore? Would I have a settled career? And in what field? Would I still have pursued law if I didn't grow up and become a mum? Or would I have pursued aviation? Hotel management? Tourism?

All of these "what if's" are doing my head in!!!! I love being a mum. It's super rewarding. But I no longer know who I am besides "Spawn's Mum". Do I still want to live and work in Europe? Am I still an adrenaline junkie? Do I like to go out dancing? Am I still a perpetually happy lass?

I don't even know. I know I'm really good at remembering appointments. Really good at cooking repetitive meals. Fantastic at yelling, and PHENOMENAL with craving alcohol. Great at being antisocial, albeit unwillingly.
I can budget, deliver wicked seemingly win/win ultimatums and teach basic math, science and English. I can understand complex medical assessments. I know that a mistakenly 'hypo' child would be a dreamlike state of bliss for any parent, whilst 'hyper' would make any parent pine for wine.

Yet I don't know who I am.
I don't own a house. Nor will I in the near future.
I don't have a job, let alone a career. (Although I do have a possible career path should Spawn become less demanding to the point where I can return to work.) If I do return to work, I will be a 30 something single parent to a high needs child, with extensive experience in hospitality, but not much else.
Sometimes I can't remember how to smile or make basic conversation.
I sometimes think about my life and burst into tears. What have I done?! Why am I in this pit of depression with no way out?

What the fuck did I do to deserve this life?! Gosh. I must have put SO MUCH karma into the world.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
I had a meeting with Spawn's teachers yesterday. It was a great meeting where great basic goals were set. However, one goal made me laugh - it relates to Spawn's need to defy his elders and have his way or no way. This goal will take years to achieve, no doubt. But this one sentence stuck in my mind.... "You won't see the light at the end of the tunnel for awhile....." She went on to say that it will eventually happen, but this is my life! I feel like I'm in this huge tunnel and have come so far that I can't see light when I look back at the way I came, yet I'm not even close enough to the end to get a slight glimpse of light at that end either.

Perpetual darkness.

This is me.

Forever.

It gets better, right?
Easier?
Manageable?
Happier?

I need red wine and chocolate.
Which reminds me; I need to go buy myself a birthday present. Don't think anyone else will get me anything.
PITY PARTY FOR ONE, PLEASE!

Peace out, and thanks for reading. I know I can be super depressing at times, so if you made it this far, you're effing amazing. *hugs*

- L. x