School funding is a double-edged sword.

In Spawn's first year of school, we applied for funding, due to his 'severe behaviour'. I know that in different states and countries, the process is different, but I'm sure there is one consistent aspect across the board: it's hard. Emotionally, having to constantly discuss and read about how terribly behaved your child can be, among other flaws, is heartbreaking. It has been two years since I discovered Spawn's application for funding was granted, after six months of hell.

The process for funding took twice as long as Spawn's ASD diagnosis, which was conducted immediately prior to the funding application began. I commend the school for being on the ball and getting things rolling as soon as they could, but as a parent, this double whammy broke me in ways that I don't think I will ever recover from. I ended 2015 with symptoms much like those who suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder. Legit. I was treated as if I had PTSD, and there was only one small aspect of my sanity that gave my psych pause to officially diagnose. Two years on, I am doing better, but the scars are still there. They will always be there. 2015 can kiss my arse, even now, in 2018.

Now that a little back story has been established, let me get to the heart of this rant/word vomit/expelling of bad juju. I am grateful for the school working tirelessly to get Spawn funding. I am grateful to the department of education for seeing Spawn's need for funding and actually approving the application: this is not something the DoE does lightly, after all. For this reason, I know that many families miss out on this funding, which impacts on the education of so many students. It's hard. There are so many cracks. For example, Spawn has ASD, but we did not apply on the grounds of his ASD diagnosis, for we would have been rejected. The criterion are so stringent, it's actually ridiculous! We applied under severe behaviour, as Spawn's behaviour was so severe during that first year of school that he only attended school for a couple of full days a week, with the remaining being half days. He had drawn blood from his teacher, caused his class to be evacuated, and literally been dragged from school over the shoulder of the vice-principal. OMG, I'm getting a little emotional just THINKING about that year. Even now, whenever the school calls me, my first thought is, "oh no, what has he done now?!" Fortunately, the school is quick to let me know if it isn't bad news, having known how bad things once were. I was on a first name basis with the school admin a lot quicker than most.

Due to the hard work, absolute terror and horrific reports I had to read, I get a little funny about Spawn's school funding. As a pre-service teacher, I understand how having a student with funding in the class can benefit many, but as a parent, I don't want my child to miss out because of others. Having other unfunded students piggybacking off of Spawn's funding is all well and good, but where do you draw the line?! At what point do you, as a parent, step in and be like, "ENOUGH. How many complex students do you want to piggyback off of my child's funding?! Don't you think this might be detrimental to MY son's education?!" As I have mentioned, I worked hard for that. I endured things no parent/carer should have to endure, all in the hopes it would provide my child with better opportunities moving forward. It has, by the way. Education support staff are amazing. Spawn had this one lady supporting him for nearly two years and she was amazing. She saw him that first year, and was with him as he changed for the better. Spawn has come so far that it's mindblowing, but does that mean that the support worker working with him this year will be asked to spend more time with other students? Sure these students need help, otherwise they wouldn't be getting it. But will this have a negative impact on Spawn? His behaviour last year went downhill and part of me wonders if that is because so many students with additional needs were lugged into his class in order to piggyback off of Spawn's funding. Just because Spawn has learned to mimic more appropriate classroom behaviours, does not mean he does not need the funding. For Spawn, working to behave appropriately is a task that requires constant focus, as his brain is always working so fast, the result of both his ADHD and giftedness. I feel that if Spawn is neglected, for even a little while, it will take twice as long to rebuild those appropriate mindsets for the classroom. Perhaps Spawn will think it normal that he adapt for awhile, then lapse back into his old way of behaving as soon as the teacher isn't looking (so to speak). This actually terrifies me, on a level I am not sure I'm ready to comprehend. I considered changing schools last year; seriously considered it. I thought it might be better to send Spawn to a school more understanding of funding and special needs children. However, Spawn loves his school, so we are giving it this year to see how things go. I have spoken to a few schools and know our options, but hopefully I don't need to go down this path. For the most part, I do like our school's community. It's a great little school most of the time. :)

So this is the vicious cycle of school funding. The department of education really needs to get their act together and figure out a way to adequately fund all students who need assistance. In doing so, students who DO get funding will not be forced to miss out due to teachers and schools trying to service the needs of many with funding meant to service one.
Do not even get me started on the fact that parents have no say in how a school spends funding they receive for students. I don't know if this isn't a common thing, but where I live, it's how it works and I think it sucks; as both a parent AND a pre-service teacher.

On the topic of pre-service teaching, I'm doing my next placement in February; two weeks after school starts back. At a school with only 100 students. This will be interesting! ;)

If you got this far, thanks for reading. Feel free to share advice and tips for dealing with this: I welcome all advice! :)

- L. x

Yes, I'm THAT Mum.

Do you remember what it was like when your first born was a baby and you had all these plans? Whether it was making tentative plans to send your child to a private school, being the doting parent who attends all your child's extra curricular activities, to being the parent who would *NEVER* let their child cry it out in their bedroom?

I was the parent who would ensure my son didn't watch TV as long as the sun was shining. If his behaviour turned out of control (my brother had ADD), I would never consider medicating him.
Not that I'm against those who do these things; it just wasn't an upbringing I wanted my perfect child to experience.

Hahahaha. Ohh, naive new mum L, you were so cute and innocent!

I did okay with my plan to minimise the television Spawn watched - he didn't really watch TV at all until he was 18 months old. And even then, he was limited in his exposure towards it until he was at least 2. Now, however? Our TV is always on ABC Kids whenever Spawn is home (unless he has a movie on upstairs), even though it isn't always being watched. Take today for example; the sun is shining, it's relatively warm for a mid-winter afternoon, and Spawn has come home from school early, like he does every Wednesday and Thursday. He is currently glued to the television whilst I sit on the couch. Neither of us are absorbing any of that glorious vitamin D - and I'm okay with that!

Anyway, I completely digressed from my reason for blogging today!
Yesterday during our paed appointment, it was decided that Spawn would trial medication to help with his anxiety. So now he is not only on Ritalin, which has a bad stigma on its own, but he is also on a medication commonly referred to as Prozac. Yup, my almost 6 year old is on Prozac.

The decision to give him that half a tablet this morning was most definitely NOT made lightly. In fact, I think it's one of the hardest decisions I've made to date as a parent. I filled the description with the thoughts of, 'the pediatrician knows what he's doing' and, 'calming Spawn will help him do better at school and become more confident in his abilities' - because let's face it, dealing with anxiety doesn't really help ones confidence.

Even so, I struggled with the idea of actually having Spawn take the pill. Until a glorious friend (you know who you are!) reminded me on a Facebook status of the main point behind all of this: "anxiety is just another medical condition that can respond to treatment."

Which brings us to now. Spawn was noticeably calmer at school this morning. After his first half a tablet. Not sure if it's because of the Prozac, or merely because he self-settled, but either way, I no longer regret my decision to trial Spawn on it.

Have faith in yourselves, fellow parents. None of us make decisions regarding our children lightly, and we shouldn't be made to feel like bad parents if our decisions don't conform with the 'norms' of society.

Love to all.

- L. x

It's Official.

I really am Crazy.....

Well, it's midnight, damn right, we're wound up too tight.
I've got a fist full of whiskey, the bottle just bit me.
Ohhh, that shit makes me batshit crazy.
We've got no fear, no doubt, all-in, balls out.

Quoting lyrics that mention batshit somehow felt appropriate. Possibly because I'm of the strong belief that I may just be BATSHIT CRAZY.

So I have received Spawn's official diagnoses. It reads more like a shopping list of 'how to make parent's go crazy' LOL. The diagnoses include Autism Spectrum Disorder (high-functioning), ADHD, ODD, anxiety and Motor Dyspraxia (DCD). We're currently trialing Ritalin to see if it helps Spawn behave more appropriately in school and so far, so good! Originally, I was never into medicating... I always thought there was some 'magical' way to manage a child's behaviour that didn't involve drugging them. But Ritalin is some kind of wonder drug. The paediatrician told me that it is one of the most studied drugs in the world and doesn't so much 'drug' a child, as it enhances things. Like glasses, except for the brain, not the eyes. Whatever; it's all super confusing and I'm basing decisions on what I feel is the best option for Spawn. It's early days, but so far I'm of the belief that I definitely made the right choice!

As you can imagine, getting a diagnoses as big as the one we got, is scary. Terrifying. Somehow I made it through the appointment without breaking down! I think I was kind of numb? I knew some of it was coming - namely the ASD and ADHD. The rest was a bit of a shock. I didn't even know what 'motor dyspraxia' was, and am still mildly confused about it.

The actual diagnoses don't scare me too much, though. They're just labels, really. It's knowing that one day, Spawn is going to have to deal with these labels. Possibly get discriminated against. Maybe get picked on... Nobody wants their child to endure things like that. Well, nobody in their right mind.

At least now I can rattle off the labels and have people understand what I've been dealing with for the past....well, 5.5 years, really. No wonder my sanity is dissipating so rapidly! Here's hoping that now we have gone through this mammoth process, we can now implement strategies to help Spawn reach his full potential without too much stress. And understand his complex little mind a whole lot more!

Well, that's me for now. I have to go embrace my domesticated side and clean this mess before I pick Spawn up from school in a couple of hours (yay, half days.). Can't believe another term is almost finished!!! Crazy.

Peace out.

- L. x

Why 'NO' sets off defiant children.

But first; we had our appointment with the Dr yesterday, regarding Spawn's behaviour and reports, as per his school's request. Didn't learn a whole lot, mostly due to Spawn being horrifically loud and disruptive, but also as the Dr is referring us to the paediatrition to get an official diagnoses regarding the ASD and to possibly medicate Spawn - scary business.
It has been determined that Spawn has ADHD, which explains a LOT. He also more than likely has HFA and it is my understanding that the two together will make things interesting! Managing the ADHD could result in his ASD traits being further stimulated, which could backfire severely, for obvious reasons. So now I'm scared. Very scared.
I always swore I would never medicate my child when it comes to calming him down (well, before he had obvious behavioural issues, these were my thoughts) and yet, here I am considering it, after being told by a couple of specialists working with Spawn that it may help him a lot. Or it could backfire and make him worse. Awesome!

So anyway, this was posted in a wonderful group I'm in and I felt I had to share (and put it somewhere I can easily find it at a later date).

Why the Word "No" Sets off an Oppositional, Defiant Child
Many parents of children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder feel hopeless and alone. They live in homes that become like little prisons as they deal with kids who are absolutely out of control and unmanageable. They don’t like their child any more, even though they still love him or her. And they’re confused about why nothing works. They tell me they feel isolated and lonely because they can’t socialize with other families due to their child’s behavior. Certainly things like sleepovers, days at the beach, parties—all those activities become affected by this kind of child. It’s not surprising that these families have a harder time in general, and often wind up emotionally, spiritually, and functionally bankrupt. The other siblings grow up in an atmosphere of intimidation and frustration. Attempts to just get the oppositionality to stop, however well-intentioned, are often met with frustration and failure. As a parent of a child with ODD, your strategy has to be to learn how to manage the oppositionality in a way that slowly leads to its extinction. In the thirty years I worked with kids with ODD, I found that the following strategies helped improve their behavior and taught them how to cope when someone told them “no.”
As a parent of an oppositional, defiant child, every day brings a new fight as you try to exercise your authority.

Why “No” Triggers an Explosion
Nobody likes the word no, especially children and adolescents. “No” means disappointment, “no” means not getting what you want, and that’s frustrating and disappointing for everyone. Most children learn to deal with this somewhere around the age of two and three, when their personality actually forms. Over time, they develop the ability to balance their inner wants and needs with outside expectations and responsibility. But for kids with Oppositional Defiant Disorder, the message they internalize is, “If I’m not in control, bad things happen. When bad things are happening around me, the only way I can survive is by being in control.” They react to the word “no” with yelling, threats, punching the wall or hurting one of their siblings. And the more chaos and inconsistency they perceive in their lives, the more they feel the need to stay in control.
For many of these kids, oppositionality and defiance become a way of reacting to authority. Every day brings a new fight as you try to exercise your authority. Whereas many children learn to accept that they can’t be in control all the time, children with ODD often experience a sense of panic when they see they’re not getting control. Their parents learn to walk around on tiptoes, and too many of them blame themselves or try to find some person, place or thing to point the finger at instead of focusing on the task at hand, which is, “How can I teach my child how to manage things today?”

Three Ways to De-escalate Oppositional, Defiant Behavior
“No” is a powerful word. All children have to learn how to deal with it, and children with ODD are no different. But there are things parents can do to avoid or escape from explosive behavior, or to redirect their child’s behavior.
I want you to remember those words: “Avoid", "Escape" and “Redirect.” Because we want to try to avoid conflicts with ODD kids, or escape those conflicts as soon as we can, and redirect them toward something positive.

• Avoid the Conflict

One of the ways we avoid conflict is by having a written structure posted some place where everyone can see it, like on your refrigerator, for example. This is really a schedule that would look like the following:
Daily Schedule
Snack and relax: 3:30-4:00 p.m.
Chores and homework: 4:00-to 5:00 p.m..
Free time: 5:00-6:00 p.m.
Dinner: 6:00 p.m.
Free time after dinner: 7:00 to 7:30 p.m.
Homework: 7:30 to 8:00 p.m.
Bedtime: 8:30 p.m.
I think these kids do better if they come home from school or daycamp, have a little snack, do some chores or homework, have brief play time, and then have dinner. After that they can do a few more chores, have some free time, then go to bed. Evenings need to be as subdued as possible. When you have such a schedule and your child says, “I want to play now,” you can say, “You know the schedule, Tommy. Playtime isn’t till after dinner.” Now in this case, although you’re saying no, you’re really re-focusing that child on the schedule. Understanding the schedule and internalizing the structure are important coping skills that kids with ODD need to develop. So you’re accomplishing two things here: You’re avoiding a direct fight with “no,” and you’re focusing on structure and scheduling, which are coping skills these kids need to learn.
And as a parent, remember that the idea is to not to think about yourself as giving in, but rather, you’re avoiding situations where there's a higher risk of your child acting out. So if you find yourself having to avoid too many situations when you’re at the mall because of the fear of outbursts, my recommendation is that you avoid going to the mall with that child until he’s at the skill level where he can handle it.
 

• Escape from Fights

The other strategy we want to look at is “Escape.” Once the fight with your child is starting or has begun escalating, you need to find a way to get out of it. First of all, you can state your position, turn around and walk away and not respond to the child’s backtalk. So, for example, you can say, “It’s not time for you to play video games now. It’s time for you to clean your room,” and then turn around and remove yourself from the argument. There are cases where you will find that a kid with ODD is backtalking to parents as they're on their way to do the chore you asked them to do in the first place. Sometimes it seems that their mouth and body are moving in two different directions! Don’t let yourself be pulled into the backtalk, either. Just simply go about your business and do something else.
Redirect your child’s behavior
The third important step in the plan to de-escalate the oppositional behavior is to “Redirect” the child. Redirecting is a strategy you can use when the child’s behavior starts to escalate. You can say, “Remember, you want to watch that show at 6:30, so stay focused,” and then turn around and walk away. This redirects their attention to something else and teaches them to focus on something other than the argument. Redirecting is also helpful in situations where there have been conflicts in the past, and where you know an explosion is likely. You can distract your child by getting him to do something differently early in the escalation period. So when you see that he is starting to get agitated, that’s the time to send him to do some alternate task that can be helpful for the family. For instance, “Please go get the lettuce out of the refrigerator and wash it for the salad. That would be a big help.”

•   Stop Throwing Fuel on the Fire

I think it’s important for parents to understand that once a kid with ODD starts arguing about being told “no,” he gets very invested in the process of arguing as much as the outcome. So in effect, the argument fuels itself. The first thing parents have to do is stop throwing fuel on the fire: Don’t argue or talk back to the child. State the rule, state the expectation or the task at hand, and walk away. When times are calm, sit down with your child and have a discussion and say, briefly and concisely, “I don't think arguing helps us solve our problems. So I’m not going to argue with you anymore. And the time you spend talking back and arguing with me when I’m not responding will be taken off your computer time tonight. 2 minutes for every 1 minute you argue.” Don’t overly explain or justify by giving examples. Tell him the rule, but don’t sit there and get into an argument about it. Get up and move on to something else. Expect him to argue right then and there. But understand that the best way you can deal with children with this particular disorder is to lay out a structure and stick with it.
I think it’s important for parents to remember that many of these kids do develop coping skills, it’s just that, as the poet Theodore Roethke said, “a slow growth is a hard thing to endure.” Time helps with these guys. Age helps. And they can learn problem-solving and negotiation skills, it just takes a little longer, and will take more patience on your part. Stick to a plan that on one end is flexible enough to deal with their impulses, but on the other is firm enough to hold them strictly accountable, and I believe you will see real change.

Peace out.

- L. x

Translations:
ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder
ADHD - Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder
HFA - High-Functioning Autism (or Aspergers, as it was known until 2013)

Mummy asked for help....

On October 16 2009, little Tyler came into the world, far earlier than Mum expected. Weighing in at 4lb4.5oz, the little 33-weeker changed his Mum’s life forever, in the best way possible.

Apart from being premature, Tyler also suffered reflux, and then dairy intolerance. Early on, he wasn’t fond of being cuddled for too long, and co-sleeping was never an option. It soon became apparent that little Tyler had quite the temper. He very much disliked things not going his way, and wasn’t afraid to voice his thoughts – through screaming.

At two, Tyler still wasn’t talking. He made the occasional grunt, but there was no attempt at words. In the back of her mind, Mummy was worried, naturally, but those worries were often shooed away as he was thriving in all other aspects of his life.

At three, the meltdowns began. He had started using words, however was hard to understand, which led to his frustration. I’m sure he was wondering why nobody knew what he was saying!!! Especially given how loud he shouted his demands. It was around then that Mummy started wondering if something was wrong with Tyler. He just didn’t seem ..right. In her eyes, he was perfect, as every child is, but his behaviour toward others was unlike those around him.

At four, he was in kindergarden, where he frequently got in trouble for not listening and using inappropriate behaviour. Outings with friends and family became scarce as his behaviour significantly worsened outside the home – quite a feat given how bad he was becoming at home! Mummy was studying to try and maintain her sanity, and regrettably buried her head in the sand. Surely it’s just a phase? Don’t all kids turn into brats in the toddler stage of their lives??! Tyler also began intensive speech therapy, and his speech greatly improved to the point where Mummy could now understand a lot of what he was saying! Other kids however, still looked at him funny if he got too excited and became unintelligible.

And now, at five, Tyler is in school. Right from the start, Mummy had quite the experience, having meetings with Tyler’s teachers seemingly every other day, to discuss Tyler’s behaviour toward others. Not only was he defiant, he also became aggressive. He shut down whenever confronted about his behaviour, and claimed ‘anger’ at every turn. It was then that Tyler’s teachers suggested he see a specialist, to determine the cause of Tyler’s defiant behaviour.

After meeting with a specialist, it was decided that Tyler would be tested for ASD. “Autism? My son might have AUTISM?!!” were Mummy’s thoughts after leaving that first appointment.

And then the reports started coming in. “Tyler shows no remorse, and constantly makes bad choices” claimed one report from his school teacher. Another report from the doctor stated that “Tyler has an unusual way of speaking at times and can be somewhat legalistic.” This report then went on to say how Tyler “dislikes unexpected change, has increasing oppositional defiance, and ongoing articulation difficulties.” Finally, the occupational therapist report came in. “Tyler has poor fine motor skills. Tyler’s movement appears awkward. Tyler makes unusual noises to himself. Tyler has difficulty maintaining concentration.” And so continued the negativity…. Mummy could only read so much negativity about the son she loved so much before it became too much. Battling depression after events that had occurred earlier in her life, Mummy had no idea how to deal with this development, so once again, she stuck her head in the sand.

Meanwhile, Tyler’s behaviour was escalating. He was becoming more defiant, more violent, and more spiteful – not only at school, but also towards Mummy. Which brings us to now. The testing is still ongoing – and while be for a while yet – and Mummy needs help. You see, Tyler does not have a Daddy, and most of his family lives interstate. Tyler loves his family, but his family isn’t very supportive towards Mummy. Mummy cannot work, as she is busy dealing with his behaviour at school, as well as constantly taking him to appointments. Mostly, it’s the headaches that keep Mummy at home. Because of Tyler’s behaviour in public, Mummy has trouble leaving the house these days. She wants to leave and do fun things with Tyler, but she cannot, as she does not have the money, nor the confidence, to do so. All her money goes toward Tyler’s expenses, and she saves none of it for herself.


This is the story I have shared here, where I asked for help for the first time in ...a long time. The summarised version of my life as a parent, basically.
I have finally hit that point. You know, the one where you have to ask for help before you sink into a hole so deep, you will never see the light of day again. I'm just grateful I was able to realise what was happening before it was too late. And I am grateful for the friends who come to my rescue when I need them most - thank you, all of you. <3

Peace out.

- L. x

This or That? Here or There? Now or Later?

Too many decisions. Life needs a map, where you can look at where you want to go, and then make the appropriate choices. Although, I do like randomly driving and trying to figure out how to reach my destination without a map. I can see why males like to do this. It's very appealing, if you have shares in BP or similar. ;)

So, ever since the diagnosis process began, I have been confronted with more choices than I thought possible. Because apparently, parenting a 'normal' child (I use the term loosely) isn't already hard enough. Now I need to decide which OT to see, which social programs to enrol Spawn into, which path to take in regard to his speech problems, what diet to put him on, how to manage meltdowns in a way that won't send him into sensory overload, and my favourite: whether or not to go to the crowded supermarket, or have cereal with water in the morning???

Ahh, life. You never fail to disappoint, that's for sure! But just once, could you find it in your heart to send me on an easy path??? Do you not think I've made enough tough choices yet? How much more does one person have to endure, before they can just settle down and be happy??? CAN a person ever settle down and be happy? Does a person ever reach the limit of shit they're going to be dealt??
A religious person would say, "God never gives you more than He thinks you can handle". That's bollocks. A person can handle most things, but not because they want to; because there is no alternative. Nobody wants to watch someone they love die of cancer. Nobody wants to watch their child grow up to be "different". Everybody wants the best for everyone they love. It's human nature to want this. So why does "He" think certain people deserve to experience such brutality? Hmmmm??? God sucks. You hear that God??? YOU SUCK.
Pfft, God. What gives one being the right to make choices for everyone???? Some say that each individual is responsible for the paths we take in life. I used to think this, but now I genuinely believe we are all puppets, and that God is a sinister son-of-a-*ahem*, sitting up there laughing at the puppet show on display before him.

Yeah, I'm a little angry today.

Peace out.

- L. x