Note to self:
I am allowed to cry.
I am allowed to scream.
But... I am not allowed to give up.
It will all get done somehow; just breathe.
Nobody ever said parenting is easy. Actually, I'm pretty sure I was told repeatedly prior to entering motherhood that parenting is one of the hardest things I'd ever do. Still, I never expected it to be THIS difficult. I'm not much of a drinker (thank you binge-drinking teenage self!), yet I find myself constantly craving a glass of red, or a shot of tequila - pretty much anything that will take the edge off and let me cut loose for a minute or so.
But alas, that would require spending money on myself. And doing so results in mummy guilt, because Lord forbid I spend even a few dollars on myself!! :/
Mummy guilt is one of the worst things ever! Seriously, parenting is hard enough! Why do we torture ourselves by neglecting our basic need to feel good??!
Diagnosis is one step closer to completion....whatever the diagnosis may be. Spawn's school psychologist did this test that shows what a child MAY have. Spawn has markers for so many behavioural disorders! Some of which weren't a surprise - namely ADHD and ODD - however, to learn he scored so high in some areas was a bit of an eye-opener. How do I deal with this?? How HAVE I been dealing with this??!! Then I take note of myself and realise exactly how I've been dealing with it. By neglecting myself. From my neglected hair, to my neglected nails, right down to my faded old clothes and bad skin. Don't forget my weight. Jesus, my weight. I've cracked 100kg since the diagnosis process began. I hovered there for a little while previously, but had never actually cracked that satanic figure - until now. You'd think it would be motivation enough to kickstart me into doing something to lose the weight, but I lack the ability to care.
That's the thing about depression - you stop CARING. About EVERYTHING. I don't care that my hair looks like crap. I don't care that my skin is horrible. I don't care that I appear unapproachable and bitchy. I don't care that I cannot remember the last time I wore mascara (quite a feat considering I would NEVER have left the house without it even a couple of years ago!). I just DON'T. CARE. Which is the truly terrible thing about it all. Spawn has all he needs, and that's all that matters. Well, that appears to be the thought process inside my head. But he doesn't really have all he needs, because his mother - his ONLY parent - is a shell of a human. A large, ugly shell, who cannot remember the last time she truly felt happy.
I propose a resolution: let us all resolve to change things. Put ourselves above our child's possessions. Because really, what is the point in having a bunch of toys if your parents wont get down on the floor and laugh and play with you?
Peace out.
- L. x
Showing posts with label diagnosis. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diagnosis. Show all posts
Thursday, 7 May 2015
Thursday, 16 April 2015
Mummy asked for help....
On October 16 2009, little Tyler came into the world, far earlier than
Mum expected. Weighing in at 4lb4.5oz, the little 33-weeker changed his
Mum’s life forever, in the best way possible.
Apart from being premature, Tyler also suffered reflux, and then dairy intolerance. Early on, he wasn’t fond of being cuddled for too long, and co-sleeping was never an option. It soon became apparent that little Tyler had quite the temper. He very much disliked things not going his way, and wasn’t afraid to voice his thoughts – through screaming.
At two, Tyler still wasn’t talking. He made the occasional grunt, but there was no attempt at words. In the back of her mind, Mummy was worried, naturally, but those worries were often shooed away as he was thriving in all other aspects of his life.
At three, the meltdowns began. He had started using words, however was hard to understand, which led to his frustration. I’m sure he was wondering why nobody knew what he was saying!!! Especially given how loud he shouted his demands. It was around then that Mummy started wondering if something was wrong with Tyler. He just didn’t seem ..right. In her eyes, he was perfect, as every child is, but his behaviour toward others was unlike those around him.
At four, he was in kindergarden, where he frequently got in trouble for not listening and using inappropriate behaviour. Outings with friends and family became scarce as his behaviour significantly worsened outside the home – quite a feat given how bad he was becoming at home! Mummy was studying to try and maintain her sanity, and regrettably buried her head in the sand. Surely it’s just a phase? Don’t all kids turn into brats in the toddler stage of their lives??! Tyler also began intensive speech therapy, and his speech greatly improved to the point where Mummy could now understand a lot of what he was saying! Other kids however, still looked at him funny if he got too excited and became unintelligible.
And now, at five, Tyler is in school. Right from the start, Mummy had quite the experience, having meetings with Tyler’s teachers seemingly every other day, to discuss Tyler’s behaviour toward others. Not only was he defiant, he also became aggressive. He shut down whenever confronted about his behaviour, and claimed ‘anger’ at every turn. It was then that Tyler’s teachers suggested he see a specialist, to determine the cause of Tyler’s defiant behaviour.
After meeting with a specialist, it was decided that Tyler would be tested for ASD. “Autism? My son might have AUTISM?!!” were Mummy’s thoughts after leaving that first appointment.
And then the reports started coming in. “Tyler shows no remorse, and constantly makes bad choices” claimed one report from his school teacher. Another report from the doctor stated that “Tyler has an unusual way of speaking at times and can be somewhat legalistic.” This report then went on to say how Tyler “dislikes unexpected change, has increasing oppositional defiance, and ongoing articulation difficulties.” Finally, the occupational therapist report came in. “Tyler has poor fine motor skills. Tyler’s movement appears awkward. Tyler makes unusual noises to himself. Tyler has difficulty maintaining concentration.” And so continued the negativity…. Mummy could only read so much negativity about the son she loved so much before it became too much. Battling depression after events that had occurred earlier in her life, Mummy had no idea how to deal with this development, so once again, she stuck her head in the sand.
Meanwhile, Tyler’s behaviour was escalating. He was becoming more defiant, more violent, and more spiteful – not only at school, but also towards Mummy. Which brings us to now. The testing is still ongoing – and while be for a while yet – and Mummy needs help. You see, Tyler does not have a Daddy, and most of his family lives interstate. Tyler loves his family, but his family isn’t very supportive towards Mummy. Mummy cannot work, as she is busy dealing with his behaviour at school, as well as constantly taking him to appointments. Mostly, it’s the headaches that keep Mummy at home. Because of Tyler’s behaviour in public, Mummy has trouble leaving the house these days. She wants to leave and do fun things with Tyler, but she cannot, as she does not have the money, nor the confidence, to do so. All her money goes toward Tyler’s expenses, and she saves none of it for herself.
This is the story I have shared here, where I asked for help for the first time in ...a long time. The summarised version of my life as a parent, basically.
I have finally hit that point. You know, the one where you have to ask for help before you sink into a hole so deep, you will never see the light of day again. I'm just grateful I was able to realise what was happening before it was too late. And I am grateful for the friends who come to my rescue when I need them most - thank you, all of you. <3
Peace out.
- L. x
Apart from being premature, Tyler also suffered reflux, and then dairy intolerance. Early on, he wasn’t fond of being cuddled for too long, and co-sleeping was never an option. It soon became apparent that little Tyler had quite the temper. He very much disliked things not going his way, and wasn’t afraid to voice his thoughts – through screaming.
At two, Tyler still wasn’t talking. He made the occasional grunt, but there was no attempt at words. In the back of her mind, Mummy was worried, naturally, but those worries were often shooed away as he was thriving in all other aspects of his life.
At three, the meltdowns began. He had started using words, however was hard to understand, which led to his frustration. I’m sure he was wondering why nobody knew what he was saying!!! Especially given how loud he shouted his demands. It was around then that Mummy started wondering if something was wrong with Tyler. He just didn’t seem ..right. In her eyes, he was perfect, as every child is, but his behaviour toward others was unlike those around him.
At four, he was in kindergarden, where he frequently got in trouble for not listening and using inappropriate behaviour. Outings with friends and family became scarce as his behaviour significantly worsened outside the home – quite a feat given how bad he was becoming at home! Mummy was studying to try and maintain her sanity, and regrettably buried her head in the sand. Surely it’s just a phase? Don’t all kids turn into brats in the toddler stage of their lives??! Tyler also began intensive speech therapy, and his speech greatly improved to the point where Mummy could now understand a lot of what he was saying! Other kids however, still looked at him funny if he got too excited and became unintelligible.
And now, at five, Tyler is in school. Right from the start, Mummy had quite the experience, having meetings with Tyler’s teachers seemingly every other day, to discuss Tyler’s behaviour toward others. Not only was he defiant, he also became aggressive. He shut down whenever confronted about his behaviour, and claimed ‘anger’ at every turn. It was then that Tyler’s teachers suggested he see a specialist, to determine the cause of Tyler’s defiant behaviour.
After meeting with a specialist, it was decided that Tyler would be tested for ASD. “Autism? My son might have AUTISM?!!” were Mummy’s thoughts after leaving that first appointment.
And then the reports started coming in. “Tyler shows no remorse, and constantly makes bad choices” claimed one report from his school teacher. Another report from the doctor stated that “Tyler has an unusual way of speaking at times and can be somewhat legalistic.” This report then went on to say how Tyler “dislikes unexpected change, has increasing oppositional defiance, and ongoing articulation difficulties.” Finally, the occupational therapist report came in. “Tyler has poor fine motor skills. Tyler’s movement appears awkward. Tyler makes unusual noises to himself. Tyler has difficulty maintaining concentration.” And so continued the negativity…. Mummy could only read so much negativity about the son she loved so much before it became too much. Battling depression after events that had occurred earlier in her life, Mummy had no idea how to deal with this development, so once again, she stuck her head in the sand.
Meanwhile, Tyler’s behaviour was escalating. He was becoming more defiant, more violent, and more spiteful – not only at school, but also towards Mummy. Which brings us to now. The testing is still ongoing – and while be for a while yet – and Mummy needs help. You see, Tyler does not have a Daddy, and most of his family lives interstate. Tyler loves his family, but his family isn’t very supportive towards Mummy. Mummy cannot work, as she is busy dealing with his behaviour at school, as well as constantly taking him to appointments. Mostly, it’s the headaches that keep Mummy at home. Because of Tyler’s behaviour in public, Mummy has trouble leaving the house these days. She wants to leave and do fun things with Tyler, but she cannot, as she does not have the money, nor the confidence, to do so. All her money goes toward Tyler’s expenses, and she saves none of it for herself.
This is the story I have shared here, where I asked for help for the first time in ...a long time. The summarised version of my life as a parent, basically.
I have finally hit that point. You know, the one where you have to ask for help before you sink into a hole so deep, you will never see the light of day again. I'm just grateful I was able to realise what was happening before it was too late. And I am grateful for the friends who come to my rescue when I need them most - thank you, all of you. <3
Peace out.
- L. x
Wednesday, 1 April 2015
Autism Awareness Month.
As some of you may know, Spawn is currently undergoing an ASD diagnosis.
I'm not kidding when I say it is long, expensive, exhausting and scary.
But you know what I've learned this year? It's okay to fear the
unknown. There is so much out there that none of us know (including what
actually causes ASD!?), yet people can become so accustomed to their own
little bubble of safety, that they never expect to have to deal with
something as scary as ASD.
I have to admit, the first time I heard the word 'autism' in relation to my son, I almost burst into tears. I see autistic kids as being those super intelligent children who cannot talk, never show emotion, and live extraordinary lives that are anything but normal. All I wanted (and I'm assuming most parents would feel the same way) was for my child to grow up having lots of friends, confidence, and maybe some skills in the athletic world. Instead, I'm learning that Spawn has sensory processing issues, which explains some of his behaviour and his incessant need to touch myself (and others) to the point where it gets annoying. Which often results in guilt. Why is my son touching me annoying?? I should welcome his touch, right??! WRONG. You don't need to have sensory processing issues to become overwhelmed by constant touching. It's like having a stage five cling-on partner - ain't nobody got time for that!
So don't feel bad if your child is too touchy. You don't have to feel guilty because some parents wished their child would touch them at all. Everybody is experiencing different things, and just because one person's problems are not as bad as another persons does not make them irrelevant. It just means that some people are at a point in their life where having the wrong shade of pink nail polish on their toes is a total disaster, while others are rocking in a corner wondering if it's all their fault that their child is 'different'.
However, a little consideration does go a long way! I recommend using the filter between your brain and mouth whenever you're in a social setting, purely to avoid any potential awkwardness. :)
So anyway, I digress (a little). April is Autism Awareness Month, and the month kicks off with a 'wear blue on April 2' theme, in order to help spread awareness.
Autism is more than just the a-typical "autism" that most people grew up understanding. As of 2013, Autism - or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as it's now known - now encompasses all disorders on the spectrum, including the high-functioning Asperger Syndrome.
Many people comment on how children don't look like they have autism. ASD is not a deformity that leaves a person with visual anomalies. ASD makes a person special. Unique - more-so than others. ASD means that a child can have difficulty handling normal social situations, such as a trip to the supermarket, a school assembly, or understanding a person's boundaries. ASD means a person sees the world a little differently than us 'normal' folk, but that is in no way a bad thing. Can you imagine how amazing it could be to see the world in more than just black and white? To see yellow and blue and green and all the other colours of the spectrum??? I truly believe that 'normal' people are the ones who should be looked at with pity.
So the next time somebody tells you that their child has ASD, do yourself a favour; don't look at them with pity, or move away thinking they're contagious. Stop and have a conversation with them, if they're able. It could be one of the most enlightening conversations of your life. :)
If you're curious to read more about Autism Spectrum Disorder, there is plenty of information available, some of which can be found:
here
and here
and even here.
And if you're curious about the ASD diagnosis process, some information relating to how it's done in Australia can be found here. If you think someone you know may have ASD, the diagnosis process can be long and confusing, so don't be afraid to ask your GP questions, or go see a paediatrition/psychologist.
Peace out.
- L. x
I have to admit, the first time I heard the word 'autism' in relation to my son, I almost burst into tears. I see autistic kids as being those super intelligent children who cannot talk, never show emotion, and live extraordinary lives that are anything but normal. All I wanted (and I'm assuming most parents would feel the same way) was for my child to grow up having lots of friends, confidence, and maybe some skills in the athletic world. Instead, I'm learning that Spawn has sensory processing issues, which explains some of his behaviour and his incessant need to touch myself (and others) to the point where it gets annoying. Which often results in guilt. Why is my son touching me annoying?? I should welcome his touch, right??! WRONG. You don't need to have sensory processing issues to become overwhelmed by constant touching. It's like having a stage five cling-on partner - ain't nobody got time for that!
So don't feel bad if your child is too touchy. You don't have to feel guilty because some parents wished their child would touch them at all. Everybody is experiencing different things, and just because one person's problems are not as bad as another persons does not make them irrelevant. It just means that some people are at a point in their life where having the wrong shade of pink nail polish on their toes is a total disaster, while others are rocking in a corner wondering if it's all their fault that their child is 'different'.
However, a little consideration does go a long way! I recommend using the filter between your brain and mouth whenever you're in a social setting, purely to avoid any potential awkwardness. :)
So anyway, I digress (a little). April is Autism Awareness Month, and the month kicks off with a 'wear blue on April 2' theme, in order to help spread awareness.
Autism is more than just the a-typical "autism" that most people grew up understanding. As of 2013, Autism - or Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) as it's now known - now encompasses all disorders on the spectrum, including the high-functioning Asperger Syndrome.
Many people comment on how children don't look like they have autism. ASD is not a deformity that leaves a person with visual anomalies. ASD makes a person special. Unique - more-so than others. ASD means that a child can have difficulty handling normal social situations, such as a trip to the supermarket, a school assembly, or understanding a person's boundaries. ASD means a person sees the world a little differently than us 'normal' folk, but that is in no way a bad thing. Can you imagine how amazing it could be to see the world in more than just black and white? To see yellow and blue and green and all the other colours of the spectrum??? I truly believe that 'normal' people are the ones who should be looked at with pity.
So the next time somebody tells you that their child has ASD, do yourself a favour; don't look at them with pity, or move away thinking they're contagious. Stop and have a conversation with them, if they're able. It could be one of the most enlightening conversations of your life. :)
If you're curious to read more about Autism Spectrum Disorder, there is plenty of information available, some of which can be found:
here
and here
and even here.
And if you're curious about the ASD diagnosis process, some information relating to how it's done in Australia can be found here. If you think someone you know may have ASD, the diagnosis process can be long and confusing, so don't be afraid to ask your GP questions, or go see a paediatrition/psychologist.
Peace out.
- L. x
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