Words of Wisdom.

Note to self:
I am allowed to cry.
I am allowed to scream.
But... I am not allowed to give up.
It will all get done somehow; just breathe.

Nobody ever said parenting is easy. Actually, I'm pretty sure I was told repeatedly prior to entering motherhood that parenting is one of the hardest things I'd ever do. Still, I never expected it to be THIS difficult. I'm not much of a drinker (thank you binge-drinking teenage self!), yet I find myself constantly craving a glass of red, or a shot of tequila - pretty much anything that will take the edge off and let me cut loose for a minute or so.

But alas, that would require spending money on myself. And doing so results in mummy guilt, because Lord forbid I spend even a few dollars on myself!! :/
Mummy guilt is one of the worst things ever! Seriously, parenting is hard enough! Why do we torture ourselves by neglecting our basic need to feel good??!

Diagnosis is one step closer to completion....whatever the diagnosis may be. Spawn's school psychologist did this test that shows what a child MAY have. Spawn has markers for so many behavioural disorders! Some of which weren't a surprise - namely ADHD and ODD - however, to learn he scored so high in some areas was a bit of an eye-opener. How do I deal with this?? How HAVE I been dealing with this??!! Then I take note of myself and realise exactly how I've been dealing with it. By neglecting myself. From my neglected hair, to my neglected nails, right down to my faded old clothes and bad skin. Don't forget my weight. Jesus, my weight. I've cracked 100kg since the diagnosis process began. I hovered there for a little while previously, but had never actually cracked that satanic figure - until now. You'd think it would be motivation enough to kickstart me into doing something to lose the weight, but I lack the ability to care.

That's the thing about depression - you stop CARING. About EVERYTHING. I don't care that my hair looks like crap. I don't care that my skin is horrible. I don't care that I appear unapproachable and bitchy. I don't care that I cannot remember the last time I wore mascara (quite a feat considering I would NEVER have left the house without it even a couple of years ago!). I just DON'T. CARE. Which is the truly terrible thing about it all. Spawn has all he needs, and that's all that matters. Well, that appears to be the thought process inside my head. But he doesn't really have all he needs, because his mother - his ONLY parent - is a shell of a human. A large, ugly shell, who cannot remember the last time she truly felt happy.

I propose a resolution: let us all resolve to change things. Put ourselves above our child's possessions. Because really, what is the point in having a bunch of toys if your parents wont get down on the floor and laugh and play with you?

Peace out.

- L. x

Nobody's Perfect.

I make no claim to be perfect. Apparently I give off some uppity vibe that leaves people thinking I'm either up myself, b*tchy, a know-it-all, or all of the above.
I'm not.

I've faked confidence and happiness for so long that people misconstrue it for something it isn't.
I'm not being cocky when I make factual statements; I'm smart, therefore I know stuff. If you don't want to know something, don't ask the question. I'm of the impression that questions are to be answered, unless they're obviously rhetorical.
I'm not being a bitch when you walk up to me unannounced and I'm deep in concentration/in my own world; I have resting bitch face and selective hearing, due to a five year old who never. shuts. up.
When I have my fake smile on that looks more like a grimace, it's not because I can't stand to be around you; it's because on the inside, I'm dying a little every day, and every day it gets a little harder to pretend.
If I tell a stupid little lie that is obviously untrue, it's not because I'm a liar: it's because I'm afraid to tell the truth. Afraid to be judged. Afraid I'm going to be found wanting. Afraid someone will look at me a little too closely and see this facade that I wish were true, if only for a minute. Because Lord forbid I let it be known that I'm in the pits of depression, green with envy as all my friends fulfill their dreams, while I'm stuck in this pit. This hell. This pathetic thing known as my life.
And when I'm quick to lose my temper at you, it's not because I'm a cow. It's because I've been burnt far too many times and am now forever afraid to let new people in.

So the next time you come across someone who seems like a snobby bitch, don't be quick to give them the flick. You never know when being the first to say "hello" will make a person's day.

Peace out.

- L. x

Big, Bad, Ranty Rant.

It's that time.
TL;DR: my life is shit and I'm just going to complain about my first world problems for a bit.

Have you ever had one of those days that just brought everything together? Like, one thing happens, and then another thing happens, and before you know it, your whole life just seems like one big pot of rotten doggy-doo? 

I'm having one of those days. It started off okay. I did school drop-off, and even got a great park! Then, I went to the library to pickup the book that they told me was waiting for me......except it wasn't. Waiting for me, that is. Whatever. No biggy. I'm currently reading two books anyway! (The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, and The Longest Ride by Nicholas Spark; in case you were wondering)
Get in my car to come home and realise I forgot to put petrol in my car last night. Then remember I left my purse on the bench. (Lucky that book wasn't ready - I wouldn't have been able to borrow it anyway!) This later turns into a hilariously depressing issue.
Get home and binge watch some Pretty Little Liar... I'm now up to s5e18. WOO! Had some funny chats on fb, a great phone call from a friend.... The kind of day that makes up for the barely registered crap of the morning. 

Then it goes downhill... I get a phone call from someone close to me. Basically, they won't be around for my birthday this year. Granted, my birthday isn't until September, but that's beside the point! This is a big year!! I'll be 21!!!! (with a *cough* few years experience) Whatever. That hurt, but not a lot.
Next up: a phone call from the occupational therapist saying there's been a cancellation and they can see Spawn on Monday. GREAT!! We're on a care plan to help with this whole potential ASD diagnosis process, so I'm glad to be seeing her earlier. Spawn really needs help getting a grip (literally) at school. Then I find out it's going to set me back over $200. YAY. Have I mentioned I'm a single mum? Most of you probably know that, but figured I should put it out there. Bring on the pity party.......or not.
So this $220, plus the speech therapist fees (no idea how much she's charging - less than the OT I assume), plus my own medical expenses.... Can you see where I'm heading???
TODAY SUCKS.

So then I go to pick up Spawn. Get to the roundabout... Wait for incompetent morons to navigate the roundabout.... Car stalls. WHAT THE FRUITCAKE?! I never stall!!! I'm a perfectly competent manual driver!!! Realise car is out of petrol. Servo is 200m from the roundabout.... Am fortunate enough to live in a nice enough neighbourhood, so a local tradie helps me get to the servo. Yay tradies! :)

I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is. Especially when I'm battling depression and trying to come to terms with the possibility of my son receiving a medical label in the near future. It's just hard, ya know?? 

I want a job. I want money. I want to live in a better house, that has proper heating and cooling. I want to be rid of this depression. I want to be healthy. I want to be stress-free. I don't want to be so isolated. I want to stay in this great community I'm in, but also want to move closer to friends and happiness.
I just want to be happy. Why is happiness so hard to achieve?? It's the one thing every person is born with, yet have that happiness leave you and it's mission: impossible, to get it back. 
 
Peace out.

- L. x

Age Discrimination.

Yes, ladies and gents, I am about to vent about age discrimination in the twenty-first century.

You would think that applying for work in the legal field would mean there is less discrimination, as they know these laws are enforced. WRONG. I am quickly discovering that the legal industry is one of the worst when it comes to discrimination, as they know HOW to evade the law. This realisation is slowly shattering my faith in humanity; or at least my faith in Australia's legal profession.

Nevermind the other aspects of myself that I could be discriminated against - namely the fact that I am female, or that I am a parent (and a single parent at that!). Oh no, let us focus on this one aspect, as it is the one that is hard to hide from potential employers. YES, I did just say "hide from potential employers", because let's face it, I have to hide the fact that I am doing an amazing job raising Spawn on my own. Lest nobody hire me because I spend my 'free time' raising a human being.

I digress. The relevant subsections of s.3 of the Age Discrimination Act 2004 (Cth)* state the following:
The objects of this Act are:

(a)  to eliminate, as far as possible, discrimination against persons on the ground of age in the areas of work, education, access to premises, the provision of goods, services and facilities, accommodation, the disposal of land, the administration of Commonwealth laws and programs and requests for information; and

(d)  to promote recognition and acceptance within the community of the principle that people of all ages have the same fundamental rights; and

(e)  to respond to demographic change by:

   (i)  removing barriers to older people participating in society, particularly in the workforce; and

   (ii) changing negative stereotypes about older people;

Bearing in mind the international commitment to eliminate age discrimination reflected in the Political Declaration adopted in Madrid, Spain on 12 April 2002 by the Second World Assembly on Ageing.

And I KNOW this is happening to me. I know, because I was told that I would more than likely be unsuccessful at one particular interview, once she discovered what year I finished high school. Like, I knew she was fishing for my age without coming out and asking me directly how old I am, because my date of birth is irrelevant, but I honestly was not expecting to have that response straight to my face. It angered me so badly. Like, you cannot even begin to fathom the anger that flowed through my veins as I watched the expression on her face transform from pleasant to 'I need to hurry up and get this lady out of my office - a 29 year old trying to start a new career path is a waste of my time'. That is the EXACT look that came upon her face. Disgusting. I did think of later sending her an email quoting the Act, but thought better of it. I'm better than her - I'm better than all of those stinking discriminating bastards.

And that, people, is how you own the shit out of your circumstances. You OWN your flaws right alongside your strengths. Sure, I'm turning 30 this year. But I also won't be running off to take maternity leave in a couple of years. I won't be changing career paths, because this will be my career until I retire. I won't react childishly to certain things, because I've lived longer than some fresh out of school kid. I will handle pressure and bad days better than a teenager, because I put things into perspective and know that it's easier to just GET. IT. DONE. But whatever, their loss. Someone will hire me. And they won't regret it, because I am amazing, and I refuse to let this discriminative bullshit get me down. I will one day look down at those pathetic people and smile - smile because I won.

Peace out.

- L. x

**The Act can be found here.

Mad Woman, Bad Woman, that's just what you are...

Yeah, you'll smile in my face then rip the brakes out my car.

Remember that time I mentioned my waning sanity??? Well, it's waning some more right now. Well, today. Why is parenting so hard? Why don't you get an instruction manual, that also includes a list of common issues children dish out over the years?!! I swear, the person who comes up with that manual, and finds a way to give it to everyone in the country (or world!) deserves a prize. Like, a country or something equally epic.

Soooo. How's the serenity?! No, really. Tell me. I forget what it's like to know real peace! Even while Spawn is at school - and I CHERISH those precious 6.5 hours - I never really experience serenity. There are always floors to clean, dishes to do, food to prep, shopping to do, people to see, cleaning to do, toys to hide.....I mean, put away.
DOES. IT. EVER. END?!! Who knows? Maybe some great-grandparents know. Although, I suspect they're facing their own problems....like incontinence.

I'm looking forward to watching The Walking Dead (s5e10 for those in the know) tonight. Ahhh, nothing like some mindless zombie action to distract a crazy lady. Daryl is supposed to have a decent appearance tonight. I miss him. He was such a crazy redneck when he first came on the scene - I'm not sure when I developed a little crush on him?!!! And he's old!!! Like, (almost) as old as my parents! Creeps me out. He aged well. *excited*

If you need me, I'll be that weird lady in the corner talking to herself about the days when sanity was a thing she knew well.........

Peace out.

- L. x

Stupid Feelings & Emotions.

So I had three job interviews on Tuesday... This was a super fun experience! ..err.

Anyway, one of the interviews turned out to be for a position I didn't really want, but as I can't afford to be picky, I went into the interview and gave it my best shot.
Apparently I NAILED the interview! Like, the guy would hire me as he could see me being a long-term employee at the firm. However between myself and the other girl he interviewed, he managed to decide to go down the traineeship path with the position I interviewed for, which obviously takes me (and the other girl) out of the running.

Has anyone ever experienced this bittersweet moment?? I'm so proud that my interview skills are improving significantly (and I seriously thought I did so bad in this interview - it was the last one of the day and I was super frazzled lol!) and that I was able to help the firm out, however I'm simultaneously excited AND bummed that I didn't get the job. :/

Ugh, feelings and emotions suck. o.O

This Friday afternoon ramble was proudly brought to you by Cadbury Chocolate, PMS, and silly Melbourne weather.

Peace out.

- L.